Depression

Hi there, I’m depression.  I sneak around making lives bleak and ghastly, and I’m remarkably good at it.  Sometimes I even get people to kill themselves, I can make their lives so bad!  But that’s not the fun part.  The fun part is tormenting them and making them cry and cut themselves and become alcoholics.  They get so upset over the things I tell them, and none of it is even true!  hehehehe  Sorry about that - I’m usually better at controlling my evil laughter.  I have to be, since my life’s work is dependent on getting into heads and hearts undetected.  Well, at least at first.  Eventually, I can get them so depressed it doesn’t even matter if they know I’m there making them feel wretched, they can’t do anything about it.  Here, watch this.

I’ve been in and out of this girl’s head for years.  Sometimes she can chase me out with one of those poisons the doctors call anti-depressants, but that doesn’t bother me too much.  It’s always more fun when they’re putting up a bit of a fight - pitiful though it may be.  Let’s see, what’s she thinking about?  She’s upset with a friend for canceling their plans for tonight. Perfect.

“So she cancelled on you.  You should have known she would.  Why did you depend on having fun tonight?  Now you’re just going to be disappointed, because she didn’t want to hang out with you after all.  Oh, she decided she needed to study for a test?  That’s got to just be an excuse, if she really needed to study she would have said so in the first place.  She’s probably starting to think you’re annoying.  Everyone seems to, why do you think no one has been calling you lately?  You had to call to make the plans, didn’t you?  And now she backed out.  You’re being really selfish, you know.  If she has to study for a test, she has to study for a test.  Don’t be such a baby, you should be ashamed of yourself for even having these thoughts.  Are you starting to breathe faster?  You can’t have a panic attack right here on the street, then everyone will know you don’t have things under control.  And you don’t have things under control, do you?  Even being around these people is making you nervous.  What kind of a crazy person can’t handle being around people?  Everyone likes people.  Look at those two girls laughing and talking together.  Why can’t you be like them?  They’re having a girls’ day out and it’s obvious they don’t have a care in the world.  Oh don’t be so melodramatic.  It’s no wonder you’re sad so often when you blow things out of proportion like this.  Depression?  Do you think it’s back again?  Wow, you just can’t seem to get rid of it, can you?  Millions of people in the world never have depression, but you.... You get it over and over again.  You’re so weak.  Don’t call anyone, do you want them to know how helpless you are?  You’re so pathetic, they’re sick of hearing from you.  You just look like a big attention-seeker, your friends aren’t going to understand.  What’s that, your best friend understands anything?  But do you really want to put this on her?  She’s so stressed out and busy, she doesn’t have time to listen to a problem she can’t solve for you anyways.  Just fix it yourself.  You’re a capable adult, you can do that much, can’t you?  You just want to go home and go to sleep, you’re so tired.  You should call in sick to work tomorrow, you’ll feel better if you just stay home and take a day to rest.  You loser.  Lying about being sick just so you don’t have to go to work?  What is wrong with you?  Your mom doesn’t need this stress.  She worries about you enough as it is.  Don’t call her.  What would she do anyways?  You have a big bottle of vodka at home, don’t you?  You need to get home to that and drink until you can’t feel this anymore.  That’s bad for you.  That’s not how normal people deal with their problems.  You’re acting like an alcoholic, you disgusting excuse for a human being.  These people walking past you would be horrified if they knew what you’re like.  That woman didn’t smile at you, either.  She probably saw how ugly you are and couldn’t force herself to do it.  Imagine that, being so ugly and disgusting that people can’t even smile at you.  You’d better get home and get away from people who can judge you.  It’s okay to be ugly at home.  You can even have that last slice of chocolate cake, that will make you feel better.  As if you need the calories, you’re already overweight.  You were a size 9 in high school, and now you wear a 13!  How did you let your weight get so out of control?  You need to start exercising tomorrow.”

There, see how easy it is?  The tiniest little thing can let me in, and then I start to blow everything out of proportion.  She’ll go home and eat that cake - and probably other things too, now that I put the idea in her head - and then, with a little hint from me, maybe she’ll make herself throw it back up.  That’s always fun, telling them to hurt themselves and then making them feel guilty for it.  Guilt is the fun part, and I never work with a vict - er, client without giving them an extra large dose of guilt.  Even if it’s about something that seems silly to you and I.  Actually, especially if it’s something that seems silly to you and I.  I’m good at what I do - I can even make them feel guilty for feeling guilty.

Ahh, look at this woman.  She thinks she just has empty nest syndrome, because she would never admit to having depression. Depression is for other people, she says.  Oh, these stupid humans - they make it so easy!

“Well, now your kids are all gone.  You spent 25 years of your life raising kids, that’s half your life, and what do you have to show for it?  One kid poised to become a professional student, the way it looks; one kid skipping out on college to do mission work...  You should be ashamed of yourself, putting your kids down like that.  You’re their mother, you should support and love them unconditionally!  And how can you fault them for following their dreams and doing what they want?  Isn’t that what you always told them to do? You hypocrite.  No one needs you anymore.  Don’t even bother going to that silly library committee meeting, they don’t need you there.  They’ll just ignore everything you say, and then gossip and talk amongst themselves.  Better to let them talk about you when you’re not there than have to endure their fake kindness and interest in you and your family.  Why are you so hateful to them?  They are perfectly nice women.  Just because you miss your kids doesn’t mean you have to take it out on innocent people.  You know you annoy both of them with your constant worrying, don’t you?  You heard her the other day:  “Mom, will you stop it already?  You’re smothering me!”  Not only do your kids not need you, they don’t even want you around.  You might as well stop calling them, you’re only disturbing them.  And your husband doesn’t really like you much either - he’s probably going to divorce you now that he doesn’t have to put up with you for the sake of the kids.  Oh stop it, he loves you, why would that change just because the kids are both gone now?  You’re so stupid, worrying like this.  Go drink some wine and knock it off.”

She’ll do it too, she’ll go drink “some” wine and eventually fall asleep on the couch.  The best part is, her husband really is getting fed up with her, because she’s not the same woman she used to be and he never gets to talk to his wife.

Oh, it’s a great life, being depression.  People talk about you in hushed tones and curse you.  And yes, there are a great many misconceptions about depression, but they only serve to make the lives of the depressed more miserable. And isn’t that a great cause?

Stop Blaming Women

I have an idea. I know it isn’t going to be a popular idea, but hear me out anyway. I think we should stop blaming women.

I know right now you’re saying “for what?” but my answer to that is simple:  for everything. We should stop blaming women for everything. Oh, I know there are plenty of things we blame on the gays and the Mexicans and the blacks and the Asians (did you know “Asian” isn’t really a nationality? Asia isn’t a country.) and the immigrants and the “kids these days” and we should stop blaming them too, but since I have neither infinite time nor infinite words let’s just talk about the women for right now.

Can we not blame women who step out of their so-called “rightful place” in the home to earn money to support their families for “tearing apart marriages and wrecking families”? Yes, I’m looking at you, Fox News panel of middle-aged men. That video clip is absolutely sickening. If marriages are being torn apart and families are being wrecked, that’s happening on a couple-by-couple basis. Every couple has their own unique problems and arguments and struggles, and to suggest that those problems would be solved if women just stayed home is simplistic and disgusting. Also, those men seem to be saying that dads can’t care for their own children, which is a whole different (though still awful) gender stereotype.

Can we stop blaming women for abortion? Let’s be honest, women can’t get pregnant by themselves. Whatever your views on abortion, you cannot logically say that a woman can get into a situation where abortion is even a possibility without a man, yet women alone bear the guilt, shame, sorrow, and pain of abortion. What if we put the responsibility on everyone? What if we taught teenagers of both genders that sex exists, that it isn’t evil, that they will almost definitely do it someday, and that when that day comes there are things they need to know about birth control, STDs, and consent? What if we made birth control readily available to everyone so unwanted pregnancies were less common? Abortion isn’t women’s fault – it’s society’s.

On a related note, can we stop blaming women for rape? If no one drank alcohol, there would still be rape. If no one wore clothes that were even remotely revealing, there would still be rape. If no one went out alone, there would still be rape. If women literally stayed home all the time, there would still be rape. Honestly, if there were no WOMEN, there would still be rape. (This really applies to any gender of rape victim – knock off the victim blaming, society.)

I understand that the world is a scary place. Even in the 22 years I’ve been alive a lot of things have changed and a lot of terrible things have happened, and it seems like someone must be to blame. It’s too scary to think that some things are just random, that maybe everything doesn’t happen for a reason.

Here’s the problem with that:  the world isn’t a blockbuster movie or a bestselling novel. Everything isn’t moving neatly from plot point to plot point with an obvious good guy and bad guy. The world isn’t telling a story. The world just… is. Bad things happen and good things happen and maybe no one is to blame, or maybe everyone is. I can tell you one thing though – there is no one group of people, be it straight white males, Americans, conservatives, or women, that is exempt from blame, just as there is no one group responsible.

So… that raises more questions than it answers.

Honestly.

I have to admit to having a slightly difficult relationship with the truth. I usually tell the truth, but the whole truth is a little harder to pull off and “nothing but the truth” is basically impossible. Sometimes it’s easier or kinder to tell a white lie that doesn’t hurt anyone.

That being said, there’s something that’s been bothering me for the last few weeks. I lie to almost everyone I meet about why I took two years off between high school and college because “I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do” is a lot easier to say than the truth. The truth is a much longer story. The truth is a much more painful story. I guess that’s why I’m ready to tell it:  I’m not ashamed of the pain anymore.

When I graduated from high school in 2009 I really didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life. I was 18 – how could I have known? Because I was incredibly lucky I ended up at Concordia in Moorhead and I imagined I would figure out the rest as I went along. Clearly, that’s not exactly how it turned out.

It was only about two weeks into my first semester when I realized how loudly God was calling me to the ministry:  loudly enough that I didn’t have the luxury of ignoring it for long. I immediately exchanged my own life plans for the plans God had, and I had never been happier than when I left Concordia knowing what I was going to do with my life. I knew (and still believe) that God Himself had called me to the ministry.

But I’m not in the ministry. While I was waiting for a place to open up for me, the depression I had been living with for years completely overwhelmed me. I’m not sure I can describe how it felt to wake up every morning wishing I hadn’t, or how hard it was to come up with reasons to get out of bed. I just know that I had somehow stopped feeling. I, the girl who had always been prone to explosive fits of tears, couldn’t cry.

That’s when the cutting came in. I don’t remember how or why I started, but I do know that releasing blood was a lot easier than releasing emotions. I could control how much I was going to bleed, but it felt like if I let myself feel an emotion of any kind I might fly apart into a million pieces. I just wasn’t willing to take that risk.

The next year was hell and ended with me in the psych ward on suicide watch. I was 20 years old and I wanted to be done with life.

At the same time, I was desperately asking God why. Why would He call me to the ministry, ask me to give up all the plans I had for my life, and then not make me able to go? Why not just leave me alone? Why not heal my depression? Why would He watch me suffer like that if He really loved me? It was a huge relief when I realized the ministry was no longer the place God had in mind for me.

Today things are so much different and so much better, so I’m not telling this story because I want sympathy. I guess what I’m trying to say is, me too. If you’ve ever doubted God, if you’ve ever been depressed, if you’ve ever hurt yourself on purpose, if you’ve ever felt hopeless, if you’ve ever really truly wanted to die, I understand. Feeling pain means you’re human and you’re alive. Don’t be ashamed of your pain.

After the Election

I’ve been thinking a lot about politics lately, what with the election being this week and all, and even though I’m not sure I can say anything eloquent, I have to express a few things about it before I start screaming them at random people on the street. 

First of all, what on earth happened to common decency? I’m not saying that Republicans and Democrats have to make nice with each other all the time (although Congress would function much better if you guys could get on that - just saying), I’m talking about not being a horrible human being. I spend far too much of my time on Twitter, and there are countless tweets saying “it’s called the White House for a reason.” If you’re not racist, your instinct might be to say “yeah - because it’s white” but no, these people are getting at the fact that “OH MY GOODNESS WE HAVE A BLACK PRESIDENT AND THAT’S WRONG!” Seriously? You dislike Barack Obama, and the only reason you can think of is the color of his skin? Pick a policy, pick an action, pick a decision, pick The Affordable Care Act, but don’t pick race. It’s 2012, we should have gotten beyond race by now, and yet we have people on the Internet calling the President of the United States a “monkey” and a “nigger” and calling for his assassination.

And don’t think it doesn’t go both ways, because it does. It doesn’t matter how you feel about Mitt Romney, you should not be on Twitter asking for people to shoot him. That’s completely ridiculous - if everyone shot people because they don’t agree with them, there would be no one left (aside from the fact that murder is usually considered at least somewhat morally objectionable). Also, is it fair to make fun of people for insisting that Christians in the United States are being persecuted (which is pretty laughable) and then turn around and refer to Mitt Romney’s “magic underwear” and ridicule him for being Mormon? Haven’t we learned yet that just because it’s not exactly like us doesn’t mean it’s wrong, crazy, and foolish? 

All of that being said, we should absolutely mock politicians for staying stupid things. Luke McKinney of Cracked.com has already done this better than I ever could, so let me refer you to his article entitled “The 4 Craziest Scientific Theories Posed by U.S. Politicians”. The point is, we can’t take these people too seriously, even though we need to respect them as human beings. On a less ridiculous note, the country is not going to fall into a giant dumpster of sadness and despair because Obama was elected. It wouldn’t have if Romney had been elected either, and yet all we heard about the entire election was how it would be the end of America as we know it if [insert opposing candidate here] won. We need to remember that politicians are not NEARLY as important as they like to believe.

I guess what I’m saying is, who gets elected president or senator or mayor is not all that important to our day-to-day lives, and yet we all (myself included, I’m afraid) act like if our favorite candidate doesn’t get elected, the world as we know it will come to an end. Do we have that little faith in American politics? We’re a democracy. Even if we did manage to elect a crazy person who wanted to become a communist dictator, there are checks and balances in place to keep that from happening. 

The last thing we should all remember is that this is how democracy works. Immediately after the election was called in Obama’s favor, Donald Trump lost his brains on Twitter and started spewing about how this was a travesty, that everyone should storm Washington D.C. and start a revolution, and that this is not democracy. Actually, this is exactly what democracy looks like. Not everyone can get what they want, but in the end we have to trust that the people running our country are doing a much better job than we could do, and that either of those is much better than no government, and then we should shut up and get back to our own lives. 

Hello, Friends

I've been thinking about the word "friend" for awhile now. I'm not sure that that means I have anything meaningful or useful to say about it, but I won't let that stop me from trying. 

The thing is, Facebook insists on calling everyone we know a "friend." I also work with two guys who call everyone who walks in the door "friend." I get what they're trying to do, and I'm not mocking it. In fact, it's kind of cool that they can pull it off, but it's not true. People you see on a daily basis are not necessarily your friends. The people you hung out with in high school because it was them or no one - they aren't your friends either. The people you work with are not your friends. Even your family isn't automatically on the friends list. That's because a friend does more than just exist. 

A friend is someone who always answers your texts. A friend doesn't need to think about whether or not they want to hang out - either they're free or they aren't. Friends don't count up how much money or gas or food they owe each other, because friends don't keep score. A friend absolutely WILL talk about you when you aren't around, because they love you, they miss you, they wish you were there, they need to stick up for you, or because you're so hilarious they have to share the funny things you do and say. Sometimes, friends fight, but it's usually over stupid, unimportant things, and friends always apologize instead of ignoring the bad feelings. Friends make an effort - to see each other, to talk to each other, to know each other... to stay friends. A friend isn't just there for the good times, although they always make good times better. Friends are the people you can call in the middle of the night and say "I need to talk," "I messed up," "I need your help" and know they'll somehow make it all better. 

A friend is a person who hears what you mean, not what you say. A friend is someone you have ridiculous inside jokes with, someone who can make you laugh with one phrase or sentence from your shared past. Friends will let you rant, knowing you're in the wrong but never telling you until you're ready to hear it. A friend is not necessarily someone who thinks exactly the same as you do - in fact, they should be the opposite. A friend should challenge your thoughts and opinions once in a while, because it's important to hear ideas that differ from yours from someone you love and respect. A friend knows your faults but loves you anyway. Sometimes friends keep secrets from each other, not out of malice or spite, but to protect one another. Sometimes friends lie to each other for the same reason. Sometimes friends don't understand each other at all. And everything I just said is why we all need friends beyond the people we stalk on Facebook, the people we work with, or the people we happen to be related to.

Four Months in a Nutshell

I never said I was going to update this blog consistently and frequently, did I? Because if I did, I have to apologize for telling a gigantic lie. The truth is, I find a million other things to do besides write blog posts, but every once in a while I feel the need to put things out there in the world just to know that someone somewhere might read them. So what is it that's been keeping me busy? Well... a few things.

I finished my freshman year of college at the end of April, and I have to say - taking 17 credits and working 20ish hours a week is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I'm glad I was doing it as a 21 year old who had some experience at being on my own though, because as far as I'm concerned one of the cruelest things this society does to kids is say "okay, you're 18? You graduated from high school, right? Then it's time for college. Everyone has to go to college. No, don't take time off, you won't go back if you take time off. And all your friends are going now." So we send these kids who may not know how to boil water or do their own laundry out into the world, and we tell them to be adults. Then we turn around and tell them they aren't adults and they don't get any respect until some mythical date in the future when they magically grow up. 

Now I'm not the source of all knowledge by any means, but I can walk you through this one. Every child isn't born after the exact same number of days in the womb. Children don't learn to sit up or crawl or walk or talk at exactly the same time. Kids don't learn to read or write or do math or recite the alphabet at exactly the same time. Why do we expect that to change when they reach 18? It wasn't exactly a... traditional... method of taking time off, but I'm glad I had a few years between finishing high school and really starting college. Otherwise, I wouldn't have been able to do it.

Another thing that's been keeping me busy is work. I love my job, I hate my job, and I simply tolerate my job, but after almost two years I'm leaving my job. My reasons are personal, professional, and emotional, and all I can say is that I'm excited to try something new. :) Maybe this is just me trying to rationalize, but when you're only 21, two years is essentially 10% of your life. That seems like long enough to work at the same job to me. 

If you've spent any time around me in the last month or two, there's a good chance I've mentioned my family reunion that's coming up next week. That's probably because Danella (my cousin and friend literally since I was born) and I put ourselves in charge of planning it. Did I mention great-great-grandpa J.D. had 13 grandchildren and all his descendants are invited? Luckily, people with a lot more experience and know-how have helped us with planning this gathering that's creeping toward 200 people strong, but it hasn't been easy! Now that the planning is pretty well done though, we're excited to hang out at a summer camp on Lake Sakakawea and eat for 3 days. Five years hardly seems like enough time to plan the next one.... :P

I do have fun though - lots of fun. If you want to have some fun too, here are some things you should check out:

Mythbusters is the greatest TV show in the world. It has science, history, comedy, tons of positive energy, and oh yeah - explosions. And you can buy all the seasons on iTunes. There are also quite a few episodes on Netflix Instant Watch, which means you really have no excuse to still be talking about bulls in china shops causing destruction, or to be wondering what happens if you put square wheels on a pickup. Also, explosions.

Cracked.com is not for those with delicate sensibilities. That being said, if you can overlook some of the crasser word choices, it's hilarious and oddly educational in its own way. Every day brings new articles by smart, funny writers who always have something interesting to point out about our world. Not necessarily positive things, mind you. 

John Dies at the End by David Wong (Cracked.com senior editor) is a completely ridiculous book. Reading it is what I imagine dropping acid would be like. If that appeals to you.... I'm not sure why you haven't bought this book yet. 

The Piano Guys Youtube channel is... I'm out of adjectives. It's astounding? Yes. Displays INCREDIBLE talent? Yes. Involves people who are extremely passionate about their music? Yes. Is something you should check out? Yes. 

My bed is also sounding pretty excellent right about now. How's yours?

Spring is in the Air!

It was 70 degrees Fahrenheit here today. In fact, as I'm writing this at almost 10 PM I still have my window wide open, and it feels fantastic. No one who lives where there are not four distinct seasons can possibly understand the wonderful feeling we get here in North Dakota when the snow melts and the sun begins to shine long and hard enough to let some real warmth build up on our skin. 

Maybe it was the sun that made this day feel not as overwhelming as nearly every other day since this semester started. I certainly wouldn't presume to say that it felt better because I finally know what I'm doing. Yes, I wrote two short papers for Faith & Justice in a little over an hour last night and felt fairly confident about them. Yes, I actually did the required reading AND the suggested reading for Creative Writing last night. Yes, I even read for Linguistics for the first time all semester (come on, the readings tend to be 15-30 pages long and are filled with words like langue and parole and recontextualization and numerous references to Noam Chomsky). And I almost think I am grasping the concept of deconstruction in Intro to the Profession of English. 

But mostly, it's the weather.